I have been thinking about my mortality lately. This may be a bit morbid to some, but eh… the price for living is death, so why sweat it? I have, at least for the past 25 years or so, have had a strong feeling that my death would be fiery and impaley. Not facts to support the feeling…but it just feels right… From time to time, there is a watery aspect to it (and oddly, I can come up with specific situations that are fiery, impaley, and watery…don't ask) One of the things that I have often wondered is who would attend my funeral (not that I'll know…I am no Tom Sawyer). Would they close down work, so that all my co-workers could attend? Or would they find someone else to cover…I mean, they're gonna have to hire someone anyway right? And who amongst my friends would attend? I am pretty certain I would have a good turnout. I know that my friend "If I were a Bell" would attend. I know this because I realized he cares about me. (Not saying that others don't… not looking to hear from others… just saying) IIWAB is kinda a trouble soul. Not really happy with his life, but terrible pragmatic about it at the same time. IIWAB confided in me that he was hiring a hooker. And I found this absolutely riveting. I mean, how many people do you know who have not only hired a hooker, but have admitted to it without being ordered to do so by a court?
Anyway, IIWAB called me immediately after the hooker left and filled me in on all the details. And I must admit, that I was a little creeped out by the fact that the sheets were still warm and IIWAB was calling me, but he said, "I just wanted to call and let you know how it went because I know you were concerned" And I thought, "Wow, we are friends"…I know. Not Earth shattering, but still…
I think part of the reason that I have been thinking about death lately is because I feel old. I am not old, but I feel it.
I have also been concerned about my mother. Well actually my mother's boyfriend. He isn't in the greatest of health these days, which makes me worry about him, and then in turn about my mother. My father died suddenly in his early 60's, and now I am worried about my mother dying. Not only because I love her and will miss her, but then that means that I am next in line. And its not death I fear, its not living. Odd… I don't mind the price, but I do mind the product.
Things that Rock:
New Beginings
Lobster
My New House
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Hello, Little Girl
This is a little different style for my blog..I find this a terribly amusing fairytale. And yet, I think I make a valid point,actually a couple of points..on a couple of levels.
The Obligatory Adult Fairy Tale
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. Her name was Dorothy and she lived in the palace with her parents, the king and the queen. Everyday, Dorothy would get up and be served breakfast by one of her servants, and then proceed through the day doing all sorts of princess-like things such as playing the harp and practicing her wave. Dorothy had a wonderful life. Well, wonderful was a little strong. You see as much as everyone thought that the royal family had an ideal life, it really wasn't. Dorothy's fingers hurt from playing from playing the harp, and you can only take so much waving in day. So, Dorothy snuck out of the palace and ran away.
She walked for several days, and came upon the obligatory cabin inhabited by the obligatory childless, but loveable couple. As Dorothy was tired, and the couple childless, they decided it was best if she stayed with them and acted as their daughter. Knowing as much as they did about raising children as the childless couple did, they thought it best that they use her for manual labor. Dorothy, having been a princess all of her life, reveled in being used for manual labor. Dorothy's chores included shoveling cow shit, washing dishes, and her most favorite of tasks, and really the only thing she was good at, gathering the eggs. Dorothy would carry the eggs in two baskets, one in each hand (which worked out nicely, because she had two hands). Apparently the childless couple was on the Atkins Diet, because they had close to 400,000 chickens and needed the extra egg whites. As you can imagine if you have ever been near a chicken coop, the aroma from chicken is, well, less than pleasant, so the childless couple made sure that the coop was a good distance from their cabin.
One day, while in the middle of gathering eggs, Dorothy saw something moving by the edge of the coop. It turned out to be the obligatory wolf. Having never seen a wolf before, Dorothy picked up her baskets (one was serendipitously one egg shy of full, one was serendipitously empty) and went to meet the wolf.
"Hello Mr. Wolf"
"Hello Little Girl", they read from their scripts.
Dorothy found the wolf more than charming. Dorothy also found that wolf made certain parts of her body react in a very un-princess-like way. So after tossing her hair, batting her eyes, and flaunting her basket of eggs in front of the wolf, Dorothy felt that Mr. Wolf was completely enraptured with her (and not in the way that most people were enraptured with a princess).
"Yeah", said the wolf, "your eggs are okay, but really, I'm here for a chicken dinner"
This enraged Dorothy and she hurled her empty basket at the wolf, hitting him squarely in the head. Laughingly, the wolf picked up the basket (it really hadn't hurt because after all it was an empty basket), and started to walk away. This of course enraged Dorothy even more.
"YOU FUCKTARD!!!! HOW DARE YOU NOT LIKE MY EGGS AND THEN HAVE THE AUDACITY TO STEAL MY BASKET!!!!" she screamed and ran after him.
"I thought you were giving me the basket for my chicken dinner. No?" he asked.
She grabbed her basket, went back to the coop, and started to gather more eggs. When she went to put an egg in the empty basket she noticed that the basket was covered with wolf spit. "I am not putting eggs in that basket, what a douche-nozzle, stupid wolf" So, she over filled her basket and returned to the obligatory cabin.
She recounted the story to the childless couple. The childless woman said "Oh my!" The childless man said," Screw the wolf, screw the basket. I love your eggs" And with that the childless man killed the childless woman in an appropriately gruesome manner, and "married" Dorothy right there on the obligatory hearth in the obligatory cabin. After the brief "ceremony", Dorothy realized to her horror that she just "married" a chicken farmer.
"I'm a fucking princess, what am I doing???" she thought.
She promptly called for her obligatory fairy godparent. The obligatory fairy godparent then turned the childless man into a well hung, handsome prince, who listened to Dorothy's every word, serenaded her, and enjoyed the occasional bubble bath with her. The obligatory fairy god parent then magically killed all the chickens, packaged them, and placed them in the obligatory cabin's now state of the art walk in freezer. Actually there was one chicken left. It was the one that laid the obligatory golden egg. Everyone lived happily every after including the fairy godparent. Who, by the way, met another fairy godparent, moved to a castle (which they magically redecorated monthly with very tasteful wolf skin accessories) by the ocean.
THE END.
The Obligatory Adult Fairy Tale
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. Her name was Dorothy and she lived in the palace with her parents, the king and the queen. Everyday, Dorothy would get up and be served breakfast by one of her servants, and then proceed through the day doing all sorts of princess-like things such as playing the harp and practicing her wave. Dorothy had a wonderful life. Well, wonderful was a little strong. You see as much as everyone thought that the royal family had an ideal life, it really wasn't. Dorothy's fingers hurt from playing from playing the harp, and you can only take so much waving in day. So, Dorothy snuck out of the palace and ran away.
She walked for several days, and came upon the obligatory cabin inhabited by the obligatory childless, but loveable couple. As Dorothy was tired, and the couple childless, they decided it was best if she stayed with them and acted as their daughter. Knowing as much as they did about raising children as the childless couple did, they thought it best that they use her for manual labor. Dorothy, having been a princess all of her life, reveled in being used for manual labor. Dorothy's chores included shoveling cow shit, washing dishes, and her most favorite of tasks, and really the only thing she was good at, gathering the eggs. Dorothy would carry the eggs in two baskets, one in each hand (which worked out nicely, because she had two hands). Apparently the childless couple was on the Atkins Diet, because they had close to 400,000 chickens and needed the extra egg whites. As you can imagine if you have ever been near a chicken coop, the aroma from chicken is, well, less than pleasant, so the childless couple made sure that the coop was a good distance from their cabin.
One day, while in the middle of gathering eggs, Dorothy saw something moving by the edge of the coop. It turned out to be the obligatory wolf. Having never seen a wolf before, Dorothy picked up her baskets (one was serendipitously one egg shy of full, one was serendipitously empty) and went to meet the wolf.
"Hello Mr. Wolf"
"Hello Little Girl", they read from their scripts.
Dorothy found the wolf more than charming. Dorothy also found that wolf made certain parts of her body react in a very un-princess-like way. So after tossing her hair, batting her eyes, and flaunting her basket of eggs in front of the wolf, Dorothy felt that Mr. Wolf was completely enraptured with her (and not in the way that most people were enraptured with a princess).
"Yeah", said the wolf, "your eggs are okay, but really, I'm here for a chicken dinner"
This enraged Dorothy and she hurled her empty basket at the wolf, hitting him squarely in the head. Laughingly, the wolf picked up the basket (it really hadn't hurt because after all it was an empty basket), and started to walk away. This of course enraged Dorothy even more.
"YOU FUCKTARD!!!! HOW DARE YOU NOT LIKE MY EGGS AND THEN HAVE THE AUDACITY TO STEAL MY BASKET!!!!" she screamed and ran after him.
"I thought you were giving me the basket for my chicken dinner. No?" he asked.
She grabbed her basket, went back to the coop, and started to gather more eggs. When she went to put an egg in the empty basket she noticed that the basket was covered with wolf spit. "I am not putting eggs in that basket, what a douche-nozzle, stupid wolf" So, she over filled her basket and returned to the obligatory cabin.
She recounted the story to the childless couple. The childless woman said "Oh my!" The childless man said," Screw the wolf, screw the basket. I love your eggs" And with that the childless man killed the childless woman in an appropriately gruesome manner, and "married" Dorothy right there on the obligatory hearth in the obligatory cabin. After the brief "ceremony", Dorothy realized to her horror that she just "married" a chicken farmer.
"I'm a fucking princess, what am I doing???" she thought.
She promptly called for her obligatory fairy godparent. The obligatory fairy godparent then turned the childless man into a well hung, handsome prince, who listened to Dorothy's every word, serenaded her, and enjoyed the occasional bubble bath with her. The obligatory fairy god parent then magically killed all the chickens, packaged them, and placed them in the obligatory cabin's now state of the art walk in freezer. Actually there was one chicken left. It was the one that laid the obligatory golden egg. Everyone lived happily every after including the fairy godparent. Who, by the way, met another fairy godparent, moved to a castle (which they magically redecorated monthly with very tasteful wolf skin accessories) by the ocean.
THE END.
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