I can't believe its been three years since I last wrote here. So much has happened. So much... Most of which I wont go into in great depth. I learned so much in these years... about my perspective... about how I am perceived... about love... about honesty... about me. I need to acknowledge a few people for helping me through...I wont go into the specifics of why these people have been so significant to me in the past three years but they all have been in various ways...Skooter Signorelli, Wayne Wescott, Wendy Chunn, Joan Lyman, Brooke Libby, Michael Jones, Matt French and Jonathan Nason. While I know there are other people who have helped me (and I appreciate their help... all of it, in every way), these people have been instrumental in my survival.
I have been infatuated with several men. Some could have been real relationships, but mostly they were fantastic Walter Mitty types of relationships. I retain friendships with some... some slowly dissolved in to oblivion. and most, somewhere in between. I have romantically loved three men. Or one. AH was my first love. I fell in love with him and found out later that he was involved with someone else. We were involved in a poly amorous relationship where (pardon the pun) I was on the bottom. It ended with me in hysterics. The second left me without notice or explanation. It ended with me in hysterics. And then there was the third.. or the one. I love MM. Loved him almost immediately upon meeting him. A telling point... I slept with him. And no.. I don't mean bumping uglies..I mean, I slept. When we spent the night together, I actually slept. I have never have been able to sleep with another person. Never. There were issues. Some big.. some trivial...MM taught me something.., well many things... but I learned that I don't cross the threshold of love easily... but when I do.. it is completely. Another thing that made me know I was in love, was the fact that I planned a future with him...we joked about marriage.. but I could see THAT KIND of future..if not marriage, a clearly painted partnership. For the first and only time in my somewhat median length of a life, I felt special...MM made (makes) me feel like I am the only person in the world that matters..And as much as my mother loves me and my incredible friends, MM made that love feel like a black and white shadow in comparison. I learned about sacrifice. I learned about priorities. I learned about self worth...Would I give my life for him? Quite possibly... Would I ever have to ? Quite doubtful. As much as I believe he loves me ( and I do believe and feel it), I also believe that I am not enough to keep him. MM is leaving... Geographically and impractically for me. I am not enough to keep him. Do I resent his leaving me?, No. I love him and want him to have what he wants... I believe that this move is beneficial for him. His life will be better in his new location. I worry about his future. I worry about him.. I love him. And if I were enough, it would be phenomenal with me at his side.... I'd be so happy to keep his dinner warm...But I am not enough...No one can TELL me otherwise. Has our relationship ended ? ... mostly.. at least our romantic relationship I guess. I still wake up EVERY morning thinking about him. Waiting for his text. Missing him.
But its over... not that he doesn't love me nor I him. I wish that I could change... to either be enough, or not to love him. I wish he were a douchecanoe, a child molester, or even Tom Wopat. But the none of those are wishes that will come true. I love MM and I always will. It ended in tears slowly falling down my cheek...no hysterics.
Things that Rock:
My convertible laptop
Knowledge
Love
